Needing sleep is a demand. Going to sleep is both a demand and a loss of control. The whole bedtime routine is a series of demands and sensory triggers. Added to this is fear of the unknown and fear of missing out.
Waking up is a demand – especially if you are woken by an alarm or by your parents. Getting up is a series of demands and sensory triggers. And, of course, there is the anxiety of what this new day might bring. Finally, of course, any transition is a demand. Is it any wonder that 85% of respondents in a PDA Society survey reported that sleep was an issue?
My daughter has never slept at what would be considered the normal times for someone her age. She struggles to get to sleep and struggles to wake. Her bedtime routine is long and complex. It has varied over the years but there seem to be three key elements for her:
1 – processing the day. This can take the form of a “brain dump”, recounting everything that happened and, often, replaying conversations verbatim. Other times, it can be a discussion about one or two points that have been bothering her. Without this processing time, she cannot switch off. It seems to be an important part of her mental filing process.
2 – transition time. The routine cannot be hurried. She needs time between each step to chill out and get ready for the next step. This applies even when it is very late or she is very tired and wants to get to sleep quickly.
3 – reassurance. She needs our presence; not just for a quick hug but constantly throughout the routine. She also needs us to go to bed at the same time as her – otherwise, she might be missing out on something.
Of course, we tried all of the traditional “sleep hygiene” approaches and they didn’t work. These approaches attempt to alter behaviours and impose rigid routines and, in doing so, introduce more demand rather than dealing with the underlying causes of the behaviour. We already know that PDA requires a more bespoke and flexible approach.
Nowadays, we have learned to adapt our lifestyles to fit in with her sleep pattern. There are disadvantages: if an activity only happens in the mornings, then we probably won’t get there. Much of our most active time happens after most of our friends have gone to sleep. But there are advantages too: we have a lot of time when we are unlikely to be interrupted by visitors or phone calls.
What have you found that helps your family with sleep routines?
The PDA Society teamed up with The Sleep Charity in 2022 and produced an excellent fact sheet on sleep: https://www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/pda-sleep/ Sally Cat’s book “Sleep Misfits” is also really useful.
Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash